


Despondency

by Jeminy3



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Trans, Other, Trans, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 10:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13611657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeminy3/pseuds/Jeminy3
Summary: First finished fic in literal years and it's more sad/angst stuff? Ugh. Sorry. I guess that's My Thing now...Features: Trans girl/feminine Ed pre-transition, or more accurately, pre-realization. Quiet dysphoria, Self-loathing, Anxiety, Mentions of nudity, but only one vague reference to genitalia.Pronouns change between he/she because she's barely realizing anything, really.Kinda based on personal feelings.Read on Google Docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/107NdySQ6MpgspYyg_4vHZZZ1F73jXD2n_DB6_UXFijI/edit?usp=sharingRead on Tumblr: http://jeminy3.tumblr.com/post/170658893078/fma-fic-despondency





	Despondency

 

"Y'know kid, you never bathe with us. This is like, what, the fourth time now? What's your _deal?_ "

 

Greed was frowning, leaning with his hands on his hips in the manner he usually took when he was fed up with something. Like right now. With Edward. As usual.

They're standing in front of a freshwater lake, part of a long, winding river they'd been following through the woods lately. They'd stopped here for the evening, and after setting up camp, Greed had the bright idea to have another of their group-bath-slash-swimming-party-things. And as usual, Ed refused to take part, because it was fucking stupid when they could just bathe by themselves, with fucking _privacy_ , like they usually do.

Behind Greed, Darius and Heinkel exchange glances, then shrug and turn back to the business of taking off their shoes and shirts. They'd already grown numb to these arguments.

Ed groans, standing in front of them with his meager armful of towels and bar of soap. Bathing had been uncomfortable for him for as long as he can remember, but out here in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, it's nearly _unbearable_.   _Especially_ now that he's travelling with two shitty chimeras and an even shittier homonculus wearing his friend's body like a fucking skin-suit and asking him the one question he didn't want to fucking hear right now.

Ed grinds his teeth, scowling. " _My_ deal is how much I gotta deal with you fuckers until the Promised Day arrives. Now fuck off," he growls.

Irritatingly, Greed only cocks his head at him, looking at him quizzically.

"What, you shy or somethin'? You got a-" He twirls a finger at him, glancing down toward his legs. "-like uh, an _issue_ , or something?"

Ed blinks at him. The gestures mean nothing to him, until he follows Greed's gaze and pointing finger and realizes that he's actually- looking at his. Crotch.

Ed jerks back, almost flinching, dropping his bent arms to his waist to hide himself as if he were already naked. " _You fuckin_ \- _NO!_ I _DON'T!_ There's nothing fucking wrong with me, you stupid-ass homonculus!" he barks out.

Greed just sighs at him, lowering his hand. "Jeeze, you don't gotta be so _defensive_ all the time..."

Then he shrugs, lifting his arms and smirking in his trademark shitty way. He gestures toward the lake and half-naked chimeras behind him. "Look, dude. It's fine, really. I mean, c'mon..."

"-We're all _men_ here," he says, almost laughing.

Wow. As if _that_ made him feel any better. 'We're all men here'? More like 'we're all assholes ready to laugh at you'. Fuck that.

...Laugh at him for _what_ , Ed doesn't really know, but his brain is insistent that they will. And it was usually right, since apparently it was a running theme for these guys to take the piss out of him as much as possible, since this "trip" had only made his day-to-day attitude more and more unpleasant.

And the words just... rub him the wrong way. He doesn't know why, he doesn't _want_ to know why, all he knows is that it makes his skin crawl and he hates it.

Ed huffs turns on his heels. "I just- I like my privacy, okay? Fuck off already."

And then he starts walking, not even bothering to glance behind him. He doesn't need to - he can hear Greed's exasperated " _Okay_..." and Darius and Heinkel's laughter well enough.

 _Told you they'd laugh at you_ , his brain says. _They always do_.

Ed just keeps walking.

* * *

 

After an annoyingly large amount of hiking, Ed finally finds a place where the river pools into a round, swollen body of water, still flowing but much calmer than usual. There's a large bank that's muddy but has some large rocks perfect for sitting and drying clothes on. There's a lot of tall grass and foliage too, but he'll deal with it.

He looks behind him. There's no sign of the others or the lake they're at, just the long stretch of river he's been following, surrounded by trees. He must be downhill, or in a dip in the forest ground. He can't hear any voices, or much of anything, above the babbling of the river and the occasional sounds of tree branches rustling from the wind.

It's not the most ideal spot, but it's the best he can ask for right now, so he decides to settle here. If he walks too far downriver, it'll be dark by the time he gets back to camp.

He sits down on one of the big, flat rocks that juts out from the mud, partly-submerged in the water. He sets down his pack, his handful of towels, and his small bar of soap. He doesn't have a clean change of clothes or underwear to change into - tends to happen when you're branded a criminal and have to run off into the wilderness with just what's on your back.

He scoots himself near the water, takes off his boots and socks, rolls up his pants and dips his flesh foot into the water - it's pretty cold, as he suspected, but he doesn't pull his foot out, acclimating himself to the temperature. Still, he keeps cringing and shivering as he uses his soap to scrub his boots and socks until they're at least somewhat cleaner. Then he lays them out to dry on a flat-ish slab of rock next to him.

Then he prepares to strip down.

...He has to psyche himself up for this a bit. It's not that he's a stranger to stripping naked in the wilderness - he'd done it already several times since going on the run. And before then, he did it a few times in the past, during trips to particularly remote parts of the country in his travels with Alphonse. But it still feels... awkward. It's not like anyone's watching him, except for whatever random forest animals were out here - and they wouldn't give a shit about him - but it's still, it's...

...Eh, whatever.

One by one, he takes off each article of clothing, trying not to think about anything in particular, and heaps them in a pile next to him. Once he's got nothing but his bare ass sitting on the cool rock, he takes a deep breath, and slides into the water.

" _FUCK_! Fuck it's cold! _Shit_!" He can't stop himself from crying out at the shock, and he's alone here, so he lets himself curse and scream and groan as much as he wants just to deal with this cold-ass water. It's not even that deep, just barely up to his hips, but still. Jeeze.

He bends down to wet his face and splash water over his shoulders, which just makes him even colder but forces his body to acclimate faster. Fuck, though. Still sucks. Hopefully that lake the others are at is just as cold. Fuck 'em. 

He tries to slowly wade around in the water to try and warm up, but it's _so_ cold. His teeth are chattering too much to even speak anymore, and he can't do much but stand here shivering, rubbing his own arms vigorously. When the water is still enough, he catches a glance at his own reflection.

Ed looks at it, at his naked body. He's built like a barrel, short but stout, muscular and strong. It's... nice.

But it also feels... not. Like it's... not nice.

He tilts his head at his own reflection, studying it.

Like he looks good, sure, especially for his age, but he's kinda... lumpy. Too thick. Too uneven.  

And on top of that, he's covered in scars and bruises, his flesh discolored and grotesque where his automail is attached, throwing his metal limbs into even greater contrast to the rest of him. He's all bumps and scratches and hard lines and dark shadows. Nothing's soft. Nothing's... pretty.

Wait, pretty...? He doesn't- Bah. Just thinking about stupid shit again. Like he always does.

Besides, there's nothing _wrong_ with him (besides the automail). He's fine as he is.

...But at the same time, there's nothing... _great_ about it either. Like sure, it was his body and he appreciated it well enough, but at the same time... well...

To be totally, completely honest? He wouldn't be against giving up another limb, or an organ, or any other body part, to bring back Al's body. If it came right down to it.

He wouldn't, ideally, but it was an option. A last-resort sort of thing. He could probably live without another limb or two. He'd get used to it. Just like he is now.

Just... used to it.

He's started lowering himself into the water by now, still trembling and gritting his teeth with the cold, but pushing through it. He wades around until he reaches a part of the pond deep enough for him to sort of _sit_ under the water, drifting in place. He dips down his head to wet his face and hair, getting rid of whatever dust or dirt was on them.

He can't really remember a time when he _didn't_ think this way about himself. Looking at his own body and feeling like it was just... there. Like in some way, it wasn't really _his_. But it still is?

It's... hard to put into words.

It's like he's just... A skeleton. A framework, looking out from a shell-like body that he was just... stuck with. Kind of like Al, in that sense.

Wait-

No, not like Al. Stupid- Don't even _start_ comparing your suffering to his. Nothing you've gone through, or ever _will_ go through, will compare to what _he's_ been through. And you _caused_ it.

 _So shut up and get back to helping him first,_ his brain says.

He closes his eyes, a familiar, crushing weight re-emerging from the depths of his heart, weighing him down and threatening to pin him here, in the water.

He needs to distract himself before he ends up bursting into tears or something.

He wades back to the rocks to retrieve his bar of soap and clothes. Starting with his shirt, he cleans them one piece at a time, soaking them in the water and scrubbing them with the soap, then spreading them out on the rocks to dry in the fading sunlight.

Despite himself, his mind wanders again.

And thinking about it, hey, no one ever feels completely okay with their own body, right? Everyone sees mistakes in themselves, since they're so easy to notice. We're all petty, insecure beings who want to be bigger and grander than anything we can actually be in reality. So you may as well settle with what you've been dealt. Be happy with it.

Besides, he'd feel better once Al and him get their bodies back. He'll have his real arm and leg again. He'll feel whole.

...Hopefully.

With his clothes now cleaned and drying, Ed finally gets to the task of cleaning himself. He sits in a shallower side of the pond, lifting his legs to scrub at his feet and ankles first. He works his way up his body to his head, scrubbing his scalp and working the suds into his hair in place of any decent shampoo.

Ugh. His hair's gonna be gross for this whole trip, isn't it? It sucks because, if he had to decide, he'd say it's the only part of his body that's his 'favorite'. Oh well... He cleans it as best he can, with what little he has.

Then he rinses, submerging his head under the water for a moment to wet everything, coming up and  shaking the water out of his face, pulling away his long, sticky bangs from his face.

And then he sees it again... his reflection. And something... strikes him about it.

He-

She looks at it again. Really looks at it. Her long hair, dark and honey-colored with its wetness. Glittering and shining brilliantly in the fading sunlight, a halo of gold flowing from the top of her head, draping along her face, neck and shoulders. Long, elegant lines of color flowing down along his features, softened by the warm light of the early sunset.

She looks beautiful.

And at the same time, she looks... normal. Comfortable. Like a real person. Somehow in this blurred, warped image, gently undulating  with the flow of the water, she looks more real than anything she's ever seen.

She's just... here.

The real Ed.

Er- wait... Who even was "the real Ed"?

She's not really sure. She's not much different from Edward, she guesses, but at same time she's... totally different, somehow. Intelligent but strong, elegant but fiery, gentle but firm. Ready to take on the world, and win. And look damn good while doing it.

Yeah. A good looking.... Woman. Person. Thing?

...What the fuck is she even thinking at this point? A bunch of nonsense, That's what. Who cares what she is? Right now, she's Edward Elric. State alchemist. Child prodigy. Grade-A Ass Kicker.

...But also, an arrogant shithead. A naive child. A pitiful, angry little boy who couldn't bring his mother back, couldn't protect his brother, doomed them both to a life without a home, without redemption, without even whole human bodies.

He couldn't even save a little girl's life.

She rubs her eyes- rubs _his_ eyes. Stupid. All of it.

None of that now. Back to the task at hand.

He wades back closer to shore until he can stand up and out of the water, dripping and shivering again at the exposure to the chill of the evening air, intensified by the water clinging to him. He powers through it as best he can as he retrieves the towel he left next to his wet clothes and wraps it around himself, padding off the water from his body. He squeezes water out of his hair before ruffling it with the towel, leaving it a mess.

His clothes are still damp but he puts them back on anyway, making him even colder. Beggars can't be choosers, and neither can naive state alchemists.

All the while, she keeps her back to the river's surface.

* * *

 

Soon enough, he's gathered his things and started trotting in slightly-squishy shoes along the river, back to the others as night began to fall.

Back to business. Back to being Edward Elric, currently a wanted criminal on the run with two chimeras and a homonculus possessing the body of a prince of Xing, all trying to survive in the wilderness until the Promised Day arrived.

She sighs. Yet another big. stupid mess she'd gotten herself into.

 

END


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